divine!

What a gorgeous silk top.

By ingwa: melero.

Damage: US$286.

Simply gorgeous!

parenting

Friday: Am still staying at my parents place. Second week running.

Was looking at my photos of my parents' trip to Melbourne earlier this year for my brother's convocation.
And i looked at my parents' faces in the photos...they looked older. It's undeniable.
My mum's once-bright and twinkling, kind eyes have somehow grown smaller and more wrinkled.
She also looks more pale and subdued in the photos than she does in person.
My dad looks quiet and reserved as usual, but his eyes also reveal the years and fatigue.
The eyes just don't lie, do they?

And it kinda pained me a little.
Photos are just so damn revealing.
My parents look every inch the picture of health in person.
For goodness sake, my mum can probably last longer thru a kickboxing class than me.
And my dad has just picked up golf, so he is quite the rejuvenated man.
In all fairness, they're pretty healthy and engaged mid-lifers.

But i see them slogging away everyday and it grates.
I see the love, kindness, and age in their eyes. And it hurts.
For all that they give and do, they ought to be living it up in comfort and grace.
But instead, they face work stress, pressures to keep up with their younger colleagues, pressure to keep up with technology and society, old age + deteriorating health in the face.

They gave their whole lives to us - for our welfare, comfort, education & happiness.
How do people do this? Give and give and give their whole lives away?
Can i ever be like that for my child?
Can i ever sacrifice so much?

My parents have taught me, thru example, everything i need to know.
That consistency is the most underrated thing.
To always be generous in spirit and in act.
To be resourceful, independent, self-sufficient and excellent in all I do.
To put family first - before myself, work, friends and all selfish, lofty ideals.
To not flaunt & flash, but simply make do with necessities.
The importance of money, and saving, growing it constantly.
The importance of education and eloquence, and to be graceful in thought and deed.
To plan for rainy days, and the future.
To believe.

I cannot be more different from them.
I'm lazy, impatient, extravagant, fidgety, spoilt and restless.
But looking at them, i continue trying and learning.
They haven't stopped doing what they do.
And everyday, they still teach us by simply going about their lives.
They seldom 'teach' us anything or preach and nag.
All they do is show us how to live our lives by living theirs well and right.

I think this is the best way to teach ur kids.
It is true that kids learn best from what they see, not what they hear.
I hope i can bring up my child the right way too.

That i will make it a point to have dinner at the table together everyday, and not just preach that it's good for a family to eat together.
That we will eat simple home-cooked fare, so that he will always find outside food too oily, salty, unfamiliar and second-best.
That the best things in life are sometimes free, as when we run together, go for a drive or do simple things at home.
That home is where the heart truly is.
That there will always be food, comfort, peace and love at home.
That home beats any foreign country, disco, nightclub or shopping centre.
That i work as hard as he studies.
That he lives his life with integrity, honesty, kindness and humility.
That he will see me save on new things, and i may tell him, like my dad told me about his ugly 20-year-old CASIO watch, "it's still working, i don't need a new one."
(though admittedly, this one is gonna be particularly tough for me)

That he has every chance and reason in the world to be brilliant and spectacular, cos he will have our support and love.

But though my parents' eyes look aged and tired, they reflect a life lived without regrets.
You can see it there in the eyes and soul.
They have done everything and left no stones unturned throughout their parenting.
There may be mistakes along the way, but those eyes betray no regrets.
You can tell that the graduation is a day they have been expecting and waiting for.
There's no surprise --just pride, relief and simple contentment in those eyes.
For all they do, their only desire is for us to graduate from university and start our adult lives on the right note.

They have done the downright difficult and impossible things for love.
This is true unconditional love.
I've always believed the only unconditional love out there is the parental type.

I'm not ready for this - motherhood, parenthood, whatever u call it.
It seems like the beginning of a journey that may never end.
But i will try my darn best to emulate what my parents did for me.
To give my child what I was given.

baby blues

I am nearing the end of my pregnancy.
This may or may not be the first and last time i'm pregnant.
Don't worry, i certainly won't miss this period.
It's simply gotta be the single toughest period of my life.
I think back to the other times when life sux, when i despaired and cried out, when i was down and out....
And nothing came close to this....simply cos nothing lasted as bloody long as a year!
Whatever wretched moments there were, it was over pretty fast.
This year is really the champion of tough times.
And i will remember it in its unique bittersweet way - more bitter than anything really.

Advice for those hoping for a baby:

1. Be prepared for the worst. Cos the worst and beyond is what will happen.

2. Make sure you really want the baby.
That it's not cos you feel old, or lonely, or incurred an 'accident'. It's way too much sacrifice.

3. Pray your boss/company is understanding.
Only God knows how many times i've walked into the office feeling like i can collapse/keel over/faint any moment and had to head back home. Or how work just automatically becomes your last priority in the midst of vomit spells, belly aches, prental depression and baby-mania.

4. Don't let yourself go.
You need to have the courage to look yourself in the mirror. And trust me, it's a surprisingly horrid sight even if you put in effort. So don't ever let yourself go. Go for that haircut, manicure, pedicure, buy that top you like, splurge on rubbish, whatever makes u feel like Paris Hilton.

5. Keep active as long as you possibly can.
One mistake i made was to stop running too early. I practically stopped the moment i found out i was pregnant, which was a dumb call. Further research and consultation proved that i could safely run till the 4th month. Some super-fit mums (like Tiger Wood's wife) said she was running till her 7th month. Stupid gynae told me to stop exercising.... thank goodness my job and shopping kept me mobile.

6. Find the right gynae for YOU.
I spent too much time and money with my first female gynae at Raffles Hospital, who wasn't that professional and comforting. She made me fear/hate the pregnancy more by avoiding my queries and dismissing my doubts. It was only after i switched to Dr. Lim in the 7th month that i felt more confident and in control of the situation. He was so patient...the first 2 consultations felt like a lecture in OB/GYN. Now, even the thought of natural birth is remotely bearable.

7. Involve your family & friends.
I was sceptical initially, but i realised family support is crucial. There is just no way you can handle everything on your own, no matter how supportive your husband is. Women who have gone thru it know 10x better, and provide more practical advice than any book/doctor/website can ever dish out. And it's good to feel their excitement & concern, esp on days when you feel like bursting your own belly. Looking at women who have survived childbirth also makes u feel less of a fat alien. Single friends may find it hard to relate, but you'll realise everyone has nothing but kind words.

8. Get over yourself.
In order to be pregnant, you must put yourself last in everything. Out goes your self-esteem, confidence, vanity, ego, pride etc. Sometimes i think the pregnancy lasts so long cos it takes forever to get used to this. We spend all our lives focusing on ourselves, achieving the best for ME...then when baby comes along, you don't seem to matter anymore. Whatever you eat, wear, think, do is for the baby or family. YOU just fade into the background, maybe temporarily, maybe forever. Life gets bigger.

9. Make sure your partner is super-ready, enthusiastic and loving even before pregnancy.
This period will test every aspect of your relationship - patience, trust etc etc. Everything is on the line. The state of your r/s will also change, dramatically. So make sure things are rock-solid before you even discuss the B word. I thank God for Terence, who is my lifesaver. I thank God that he is so committed, loves children so much and is so ready to be a husband+father, so soon into our marriage. And even he admits that this pregnancy is difficult, scary, demanding and trying. So imagine how a lesser mortal will cope.....

10. Keep the faith.
That you will be well, baby will be healthy and that God will provide for your family. That you will survive birth/breastfeeding/confinement/your fat, ugly state. That all will be good hereafter. That it will be, as everyone says, worth every minute of the pain.



And after the birth, there's the confinement period to get over as well.
That's a MONTH of no bathing/no washing of hair/horrid Chinese food/no going out etc etc.
Shanmei is doing it.
I did a random survey and realised about 60% of women do it.
The rest skip it cos it's just impossible not to bathe for so long.
I figured i will try it for at least 2 weeks.
I do believe in it though - that it gets rid of the wind and helps Chinese women recover faster.
Anyway, i have hired a confinement nanny who is supposed to make this period more bearable.

Realised this is a super long and indulgent post on all things pregnancy.
But as it is, i'm due in a matter of days now.
Blessed be.

good tidings!

What a week it's been.
(p/s: Tis also the week that i reach full-term, meaning i can pop anytime!)

Shanmei gave birth to her second boy on Monday afternoon, 20th August.
It was beautiful.
A 47cm, 2.68kg healthy baby at Raffles hospital.
She has since gone home and is now in confinement.
Seeing her there, with her first boy and that lil' one in the crib,
I think it's such a blessing.
Her first boy Cliff has grown so big, handsome, curious, pesky and naughty!!!

...............When is it my turn?

round and round we go...........

at One Fullerton

Went to One Fullerton yesterday with Terence.
It was, and is, our dating place.
And the place he proposed.
Yesterday was the first time we've been there since we got married.
i dunno why we stopped going this year.

It felt different being there with him last nite.
It was at once more intimate, yet a whole lot more casual n relaxed.
Gone were the tinges of grand romance or idyllic love.
Rather, it felt like i'd known him forever.
It wasn't better or worse, just surprisingly different.

As a couple, i daresay our relationship is a lot stronger now.
I'm less insecure and has (finally) learnt to trust a man wholeheartedly again.
It took a long time, but he is everything i needed to love again.
And i feel i can be totally myself with him.
It didn't always feel like that when we were dating.
I remember i used to try (pretty hard) to be a nicer, prettier version of myself.
I'll doll up for our dates or big occasions, always wanting him to see me at my best.
Our lives were so carefree - we had nothing much to deal with besides enjoying ourselves.

I'd describe our relationship now as sweet contentment.
Solid. Dependable. Comforting. And very very sweet.
He has no bad blood in him, unlike the scheming, complex me.
He makes my world a whole lot simpler and sweeter.
And till today, his kindness, integrity and gentle heart warms my soul.

So although i received terribly bad news yesterday,
and felt nothing like my good self,
a simple evening with my husband put everything back in perspective.

LUST

I COVET: Designer bags

Dunno what's gotten into me, but i really do pay a lot of attention to designer bags these days.

Not the monogrammed LV/Gucci/Coach types...

But a statement bag that would...er, affirm my coming of age?

Yea, i've run out of excuses. i dunno what's gotten into me.

The above are, in respective order:

1. Chanel 2.55 (super classic since 1955. Damage approx. S$2,500-$3K)

2. Chloe Paddington ( last season's It bag, but i still love it. Damage approx. S$1,800-$2K)

3. Miu Miu leather tote (not very me, on 2nd thoughts. Damage approx. $1,600-$1,800)

4. Miu Miu leather carry-all (unique and not common at all. Damage approx. $1,700)

Of these, i think the Chanel 2.55 is the one i want most.

There's really nothing like a Chanel, i guess.

There's even a compartment inside for keeping love letters, apparently cos Chanel's founder, Coco Chanel, was a sucker for mushy love notes.

And it doesn't ever go out of style. It's been a super It Bag since the 50s... and still is much coveted worldwide.

It makes for a super good first designer bag too!

But damn, it's bloody expensive.

Anyone going Paris/Milan? Heard it's cheaper there.

shopping madness

Spotted local model Jacqueline Albas on an international fashion site.

Now managed by the same agency that handles supermodels like Amber Valleta.

She's really going places, by the looks of it.

I've met her at a shoot before - she was this long, lean machine who guffaws like a guy.

More good news -- Jacqueline models some of designer Peter Som's hottest new pieces, available online at shopbop.

How perfect is that?

Designer stuff from Thakoon, Derek Lam, Zac Posen etc are now just a mouse click away!

And has anyone noticed the new Stella McCartney collection for adidas?
It's superb!

I love the materials, neutrals and the casual yet form-fitting style.

Prices are pretty steep though.

I've been thinking of a wardrobe makeover.

Like seriously.

I mean, by next year, when (or rather, IF) i manage to slim down from the pig i am now,

I will be a pretty sombre 27.

Looking at my current wardrobe, half of it seems too immature.

Have decided i need more work-to-out pieces.... clothes that i can wear to work, yet not look out of place after work.

My weekend wardrobe, on the other hand, is pretty well-stacked.

And i need some good bags.

Have already decided on my post-pregnancy-wardrobe shopping list.

• Beautiful, versatile, not-stiff work wear --- Ted Baker, Naf Naf, Lver, GG<5,>
• Cocktail dresses -- Sugarhouse (vivocity), Bebe
• Casual wear - AX, Topshop, Forever 21, Miss Selfridge, Far East Plaza
• Denim - Mango, Queen's Couture, Eclectism, Inhabit.
• Lingerie - BLUSH, Tangs, La Senza

Going to check out Banana Republic at Paragon soon.
Wasn't too impressed by the website - the collection seemed like a much older GAP.

Boring, staid, stiff and kinda old.

But the bags look interesting, so will pop by.

Anyway, it's just next to my gynae's clinic at Mount E.

I really hope this week won't be like the last.

Today was horrid.
Feel like I've had my fair share of horrid days to last a lifetime.
In the end, i went into isolated hibernation, being irresponsible and totally MIA.
Can't wait to see the end of this pregnancy.
It's more dreadful as the days drag on.

The only person who truly knows how terrible it is has to be Terence.
I dun think anyone else grasps how incredibly difficult it is.
And i am so grateful he is always there, tirelessly and steadfastly.
How will i cope without him? I can't even begin to imagine.
And yet, for all that he does, he has so much to put up with.
My crap is incredible...even i am disgusted with how irritating, demanding, unreasonable, selfish, immature, out-of-control i can be.
I think i married an angel.

i hope my baby learns more from his dad than my stupid childish ways.

ID wall art

Things at home seem calmer these days.
Me & Terence 'celebrated' our 28th month together yesterday.
It was a really simple going-out-for-nice-dinner kinda date, cos these monthly stuff are merely excuses to go out and have a good time. Nothing much to really 'celebrate.

Wanted to show my appreciation to him for putting up with so much of my crap.
And partly cos i still feel awful abt his food poisoning+fever bout after our silly JB excursion.
So i got him a nice Liverpool training jersey.



Then we headed to Clarke Quay for dinner, and watched all the happening, footloose and fancy-free people getting it on for the weekend.
Clarke Quay is really a roaring success, and i dare say i'm pretty proud of it.
It's got the right mix of establisments, and most importantly, a cool cosmopolitan crowd to match it.
I must be the only pregnant woman walking abt that happening spot.
It's ok, i will be back in my swirly dresses, tight tops and nice heels one day.
Must have the faith!

Grateful for these lil' distractions in what has been a hard long week to get thru.
Trying to distract myself and every lil thing counts.

One good distraction is decorating my nursery.

I really want it to look more like a baby's room.

Am thinking of putting up wall stickers/wallpaper.

Terence thinks wallpaper's too expensive and impractical, so I may try wall decals instd.

Managed to find some from a local interior website and Winkplay.com

Check out the website.

Simple inexpensive wall decals really do make your home that bit livelier.

Very nice stuff! Think i'm heading to Anthropology to check out the whole series later.

half empty/half full

Went to the doc yesterday, a routine gynae check on how me and baby are doing.
Everything's pretty fine.
Baby's apparently 2.2kg now, though it feels loads more than that.
And the doc has advised me against a C-section birth.
He cited examples, the risks, and the very possible complications...
In short, he asked: why hazard these risks unnecessarily when you're perfectly normal and fine to deliver naturally?
He also said something I didn't realise:
That pregnant women are the only 'normal' people who come to the hospital, do something very normal (ie: deliver a child) and then get discharged with nary a complication.
Why fight nature, he said? More than 20,000 women give birth naturally each year...

Don't believe the hype of C-sect births, he said.
It's not just a cut on your tummy...the deeper cut is below and unseen, on the uterus.
And that's the dangerous one. You'll be nursing 2 deep long cuts, wat's the point?
No matter how tough a natural delivery, the risks are just not on the same scale and you will certainly recover within 2weeks max.

Moreover, I'm so young, he advised. Chances are, I may just have another child and a previous C-sect op will seriously complicate subsequent pregnancies, cos my uterus is already torn.

Blah blah blah...loads of medical stuff in there.
I really like this doctor.
My consultation with him always feels like very intellectual.
I ask, he answers. He says i ask more than any other patient.
And my questions are always loaded and informed, and he can tell i've done my research well.
He answers all my doubts and queries very thoughtfully too, and always tells me stuff no book or magazine ever clarifies. A very learned man indeed... who's been practising almost 30 years.
Unlike my previous gynae at Raffles Hospital, who casts all my questions aside and never wanting to spend more than 10minutes per visit.

So i am kinda persuaded to give natural delivery a try.
2-3 hours. With epidural administered the moment i get admitted.
If I can't take it, then i'll go for the C-section.
At Mount Elizabeth, there's no extra charges for changing my mind anyway.

Been a pretty tough 2 weeks.
But there's always the half-full way of looking at things rite?
The good part is, have been speaking to zenny more on the phone.
When crisis strikes, she's still the first one i turn to.
Even if she's so damn far away.

The bad part is, things doesn't seem to be coming up rosy.
But its all water under the bridge now, i suppose.