A Meeting

I'm seldom nervous about meeting people.
If anything, it's one of the few things that I'm naturally good at.
But yesterday, for a split second, i felt that all-too-familiar nervy pangs.

I was meeting my ex-boyfriend Kev.

Gosh, you say.
What was I thinking?
Well, not much actually.
He's been texting me about having coffee... quite earnestly, I must add.
I thought, no harm.
I'd already totally got over him, and if anything, forgiven him.
It was all water under the bridge.
No harm staying friends.

I don't think just because he dumped me... i have to hate him forever.
Besides, the true destination of getting over failed relationships is not hating the person, but actually seeing him as himself again.
As just another guy, just another fella.
And in my case, I'd totally reached that point.
There was zero hatred, not even dislike...
He sounded like he jus wanna chat, and probably wanted to talk.
Cos apparently, his wife moved out of their marital home few months ago.
I don't mind lending him my ear, or just being a friend, at the minimal level.


So we met. At Wheelock Place.
I made sure I looked decent, but nothing over-the-top.
He came in board shorts and a tee... as casual as it gets.
It was weird... for like, 1 minute.
Then it was fine. I told you i'm good at this.

We had coffee at Coffee Bean and he talked; I listened, mostly.
He's almost through with the divorce.
They've been to court and it will be finalised in 2 months.
Their marital home will be surrendered back to HDB and he will move home with his folks.
That's the gist of it.
He's still working at Citibank, same office, same everything.
So is his wife [ which is just weird, i feel].
He thought about changing jobs, but most banks are freezing headcount now, so he'll have to wait.
His colleagues don't know about the divorce, but his boss does.
Cos it affected his work and he slipped into depression earlier this year.
And he had to let his boss know he was going through a breakdown.

I felt really sorry for him.
But i can't say this was totally unexpected.
And neither can he.
He admitted he wasn't as ready as he thought.
That there were sacrifices he couldn't make, expectations he didn't wanna achieve.

At the end of the day, he and I agreed that he's better off single.
Cos he had the same problem that i knew when i was with him.
He puts himself at the centre of his own universe, and he just can't totally commit to the demands of a steady relationship, let alone the institution of marriage.
And this is before kids! There isn't even that much to fight about!

In a nutshell, he didn't change at all.

I asked why he wanted to meet me... after so many years.
He said he always felt a certain kind of guilt towards me.
But i told him - i'm so glad it happened.
We were absolutely wrong for each other, and if we went on any longer, i could have been his wife!
I pity his wife, cos she didn't know better.
I was with him long enough to know him inside out.
He just can't give up his own pursuits, stuff he enjoys - not for anyone else.
He doesn't compromise, doesn't understand sacrifices, doesn't commit.
No one else is more important to him than himself.
And he knows that himself too. After this divorce.

There are loads of other things that went wrong, but this, i suspect, is central.
He's also immature, impressionable and just not the rock-solid stable kinda guy.
Great if you are looking for fun... but marriage??
Stay far far away.


I was intrigued by the divorce... and asked many things.
It was clear he was trying to get over it... and had probably reached a place within himself to come to terms with it.
But talking to me about it probably brought back things he didn't wanna think about.
At one point, his head hung low and he looked really really sad.
And i felt sorry for him.
There's a price to pay for everything.
And i guess... he paid his, with this wrenching divorce.

I didn't wanna press on, so we talked about other things.
He even brought along his laptop, so i could see pics of his frens.
Almost all are married, one has a 2-year-old kid even.
He'd taken up photography, so there were pics aplenty.
And he's also booked himself a solo diving trip to Krabi, just to be alone and get away from everything.
I guess that's a positive step.

I know he will be fine, that he knows how to handle this and take care of himself.
I know he will emerge fine from this harrowing episode.
But for now, I really hope he grows up.
He's 33, but I have to say, still immature.
Not knowing how to accommodate others in your life - to me, it's just plain immaturity.

It's like me in Australia... wanting things and people and the environment to adapt to me, rather than the other way round.
I learnt to grow up the hard way.
I hope he does too.