changes

Sometimes, 2004 doesn't feel that far away.
But it is distinctly different.
Everyth about it.
It seems almost like another life....
Everyth is diff.
The things i was hoping for, the pp i hang out, the stuff i'm preoccupied with, my weekends, my priorities, what were on my mind...

For instance,
I no longer take the bus. Not even the cab.
New job = new people, new environment, different waking hours... whole new routine
Boyfren = less time with frenz and family and new pp around me like his frenz/family.

I am happier.
I shop a lot more. Believe me, these are intertwined.
I shop when I'm happy and I'm happy whenever I shop. Simple.
I've given on certain pp and things, stopped throwing out a lifeline for them.
I'm more sensible, more calm, less frenzied and running ard like a chicken without a head.
I'm more stable too. At the same time last year, i was in my third job.
I'm still at Reuters, 8mths and still pretty happy. Yes, i hate the night shifts, but i love my job.
I pamper myself more with little self-grooming luxuries.


But certain things remain the same.
My close frens remain my closest frens. Better than ever.
My family is still most important in my life.
I've still got a weakness for glossy fashion mags and Orchard Road and discount cards.
I still enjoy lazy days doing nothing at home, blogging, reading, watching telly, sleeping.
I still wear my hair largely the same way.
No radical changes yet, getting bored looking at mirror. Fishing for ideas.
Still hogging travelling plans but not travelling.
Still not saving enough. Or saving at all, for that matter.

Spent the weekend with my boyfren.
Doing nothing much considering i was on the night shift the morning before.
Slept till 4pm then went to Suntec city and the post-facelift Marina Square.
Then back to my place to buy durian rolls for my mama.
Then Arsenal-Newcastle match. Then some terrible hongkong comedy that is not funny.
Then sleep.

We've been together 5 months.
Loads of quarrels. Loads of big shouting matches. Some big silent ones too.
The temperament of our relationship now is a bit different.
I can officially say the honeymoon period is over.
Let the real deal begin.

Meanwhile today is pay day.
Which only means one thing: Orchard Road!
It sounds shallow...but I think i work so hard to feed my insane shopping.
It is the only form of therapy i need in life.

I just want to blog something down so that i'll never forget it.
Heck, even if i don't, I'll probably never.
It makes me wanna cry whenever i think of it.
On Wednesday 10th aug,
Gerald called me.
He never does.... ok, like every half a year or less.
I was at work and missed his call.
So i rang back, holding my breath.
And he actually just called to finally tell me what i've been waiting to hear for so many years.

He told me that he thinks of me a lot there,
and that he hurts whenever he thinks at what could have been if we've been tog.
And he said for some reason, he's never ever told me this all the years,
but that he loves me in his own way and that i'm always on his mind.
It broke my heart.
This is the same guy i've been waiting for so many years.
Since i was 18!
And only now... does he say all these.
Up till last year, i was still waiting for him. Yearning for him to be back.
And even tho i've always felt this thing between us, neither of us has ever said it out.
And each time i tell this to auntie chua, she tells me to move on, stop dreaming and that its all probably one-sided, on MY side.

I was SO happy to hear this from him.
It was the verdict i wanted. To know that no, i wasn't dreaming or thinking it all.
It is real. All that i feel was gog on between us is real. He really does like me, and...oh, wat a waste.
he's got a girlfren there too...
I've always regarded gerald as the most special fren in my life.
He's like the male version of myself...we have the same temperament, the same outlooks on life, the same personalities, the same upbringing...
Life is a joke.
We can never be. How sad is that.
He said he's never told me all these, and all he wants is for me to know this fact.
That he loves me and that there'll always be a space in his life for me.
If i ever need a fren, a hideout, anything...
That is so sweet.
The sweetest nicest thing all of this year.
I cried a while after that...not at what he said.
But at what we can no longer be.
He's in australia with some girl, i'm in singapore with some guy.
And it has been this way for years.
Him telling me these won't change it. we both know that.


Lord, i praise you.