dreamy nite

I had very real and striking dreams last nite.
So into it that i did not stir the whole nite.

I dreamt of my 2 good frens, zenny and gerald.
In separate dreams.
I think it was the zen dream first.
We were eating a pasta/salad buffet at Marina Square, and it was somebody's party or wedding.
And the party/wedding was so boring that we sneaked off to eat by ourselves at some cheap buffet in Marina Square.
Really strange.
And i remember we were commenting on how good the food was, for that kinda price.
And we happily ate.... there were other people there too, like my cousins (??!!).
We were having a great time, as we alwaz do when there's gd food involved.
Very odd, but so real!

Then i hopped to the Gerald dream.
I recall less of this one.
I think it was just us hanging out like we used to.
Goofing off and doing stupid dumb stuff.
We were at some remote playground, with the slides, ropes and swings.
And we just talked and talked and made funny faces and goofed off the whole time.

It felt so real too, cos that's how time passed when we are together.
He always makes me feel 'in the moment'.... like nothing else mattered then.
Each time we are together, I'd always think
"Why am i not with this fella?"

Cannot explain my dreams.
Except that perhaps, i really miss my frens and the me when i'm with them.
I felt kinda sad when i woke up, becos reality is so different.
For one thing, both pals are not here with me anymore.
Zen till late this year, gerald...maybe forever.

And since getting married, i've not spent tat kinda time with them, or any fren, that way.
That way when we were younger.... and un-commited.
When you really jus enjoy each other's company and do silly, irreverent, fun stuff.
Cos you are young, you have no agenda, no stress and no pressures.
When you don't meet just to do "adult" things like have a sit-down dinner and talk abt work & relationships.
When we spent a lot less and had a load more fun.

Like meet in the afternoons and spend a whole day together doing loads and talking less.
Going about places, laughing and laughing.
I feel like i laugh a lot less these days.
Perhaps i feel a different kinda of contentment, but i do miss my own laughter.
That sounds real dumb rite? Missing your own laughter?

Life just seems so adult now.
So serious and with so much to lose, so much at stake.
I miss my old self.
I was....just purely irreverent, almost all the time.

I miss being my parents' daughter.
When i didn't need to worry a thing and they'll do all the worrying for me and see me as a kid still.
I miss being my fren's fren.
I miss the idiot/joker/vainpot/nonsense person i am when i am with them.
I just miss laughing out loud, going abt places and just spending time with my best frens.
I miss being one of my siblings.
Just goofing ard at home, insulting each other and feeling like we are all still 12.

Now, life feels a lot heavier.
I am somebody's wife.
Somebody's daughter-in-law.
Somebody's mother.
Somebody's pregnant fren.

The trouble is, perhaps in essence, I haven't changed that much.
Reminds me of that Avril Lavigne's song, Complicated.
Have we become our jobs/partners/spouses/pay cheques/what we wear/ etc etc?