A Man's Take on Marriage - tres true!
HOW TO SURVIVE
Important advice to husbands, by Matt Rudd
Men, don't do it.
Save yourselves.
Marriage is awful, absolutely awful.
At least female spiders have the good grace to eat their husband when they'vefinished mating with him. Women are far less compassionate. They choose to nag their husband, with death arriving only years, and sometimes decades, later.So say my cynical friends.
I, of course, completely disagree.
I think marriage is wonderful.
However, I have learnt a thing or two during my time of blissful wedded bliss that every man should be aware of.
First: women really genuinely do like to talk.
Ideally, they like talking toyou, but they will also talk at you if necessary.
To a woman, talking is themost important aspect of a relationship. Joint-membership savings with the National Trust, free chauffeuring for life and the regular availability of sex are insignificant by comparison.
And, unlike sex, a woman's propensityto talk does not diminish with the years.
If anything, it increases.
Rules, I'm warning you, will be introduced to create a culture ofconversation.
If you're not careful, eating dinner in front of thetelevision (unless it's Strictly Come Dancing) will be banned. Returning from work, finding a dark corner and rocking back and forth, muttering toyourself, will be permitted only after a how-was-your-day exchange of notless than 12 minutes.
Trying to adopt your own rules for the grounds upon which interaction takes place (eg after Match of the Day/pub/sex) is pointless.
You will lose in the end, and the longer you resist, the more painful it will be.
Resistance, my young, idealistic friends, is futile, and this applies not only to conversation, but to all things marital.
If, for instance, your wife wants to eat more healthily, it means you will have to eat more healthily, too.
Persisting with microwave curries is just pig-headed.
Accept that you are going to have to eat vegetables.
This will make her disproportionately happy.
When she is disproportionately happy,your life is much, much easier. And you can always do a McDonald's Drive Thru when she's at yoga.
If she thinks you drive too fast, you do. If she insists it would be quicker to stop and ask directions, she's right.
You and I both know she's wrong, but absolute rights and wrongs are irrelevant.
Perception is everything. Her perception.
The sooner you grasp this, thesooner it will be all right.
The same applies to all the marital battlegrounds: remote-control control; where to hang a picture and whether it'sstraight; whose turn it is to do the supper/get the tea; whether war is everthe answer.
It never is - not unless you want the nagging to start.
And nobody wants that.
None of this is to say you should do everything your wife orders.
It's justthat if you don't, things are going to get difficult.
I can't think of one male friend who isn't lucky, in some way or another, to be married to hiswife. This is not because I keep bad company.
It is a grim acknowledgmentthat the fairer sex is - and don't tell them, because it will only go to their pretty little heads - superior.
They're better at A-levels and degrees. And they would be better in boardrooms, if we'd let them in.They're the ones entrusted with childbirth. They can even do more than one thing at once. So, the secret to a successful marriage has nothing to dow ith sickness, health, poverty or death. It's simply to give in early. That,and to make a vow, preferably during the service, never, ever to go to Ikea.
William Walker's First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story (Harper Perennial£6.99), Matt Rudd's first novel, is published in 2009
Important advice to husbands, by Matt Rudd
Men, don't do it.
Save yourselves.
Marriage is awful, absolutely awful.
At least female spiders have the good grace to eat their husband when they'vefinished mating with him. Women are far less compassionate. They choose to nag their husband, with death arriving only years, and sometimes decades, later.So say my cynical friends.
I, of course, completely disagree.
I think marriage is wonderful.
However, I have learnt a thing or two during my time of blissful wedded bliss that every man should be aware of.
First: women really genuinely do like to talk.
Ideally, they like talking toyou, but they will also talk at you if necessary.
To a woman, talking is themost important aspect of a relationship. Joint-membership savings with the National Trust, free chauffeuring for life and the regular availability of sex are insignificant by comparison.
And, unlike sex, a woman's propensityto talk does not diminish with the years.
If anything, it increases.
Rules, I'm warning you, will be introduced to create a culture ofconversation.
If you're not careful, eating dinner in front of thetelevision (unless it's Strictly Come Dancing) will be banned. Returning from work, finding a dark corner and rocking back and forth, muttering toyourself, will be permitted only after a how-was-your-day exchange of notless than 12 minutes.
Trying to adopt your own rules for the grounds upon which interaction takes place (eg after Match of the Day/pub/sex) is pointless.
You will lose in the end, and the longer you resist, the more painful it will be.
Resistance, my young, idealistic friends, is futile, and this applies not only to conversation, but to all things marital.
If, for instance, your wife wants to eat more healthily, it means you will have to eat more healthily, too.
Persisting with microwave curries is just pig-headed.
Accept that you are going to have to eat vegetables.
This will make her disproportionately happy.
When she is disproportionately happy,your life is much, much easier. And you can always do a McDonald's Drive Thru when she's at yoga.
If she thinks you drive too fast, you do. If she insists it would be quicker to stop and ask directions, she's right.
You and I both know she's wrong, but absolute rights and wrongs are irrelevant.
Perception is everything. Her perception.
The sooner you grasp this, thesooner it will be all right.
The same applies to all the marital battlegrounds: remote-control control; where to hang a picture and whether it'sstraight; whose turn it is to do the supper/get the tea; whether war is everthe answer.
It never is - not unless you want the nagging to start.
And nobody wants that.
None of this is to say you should do everything your wife orders.
It's justthat if you don't, things are going to get difficult.
I can't think of one male friend who isn't lucky, in some way or another, to be married to hiswife. This is not because I keep bad company.
It is a grim acknowledgmentthat the fairer sex is - and don't tell them, because it will only go to their pretty little heads - superior.
They're better at A-levels and degrees. And they would be better in boardrooms, if we'd let them in.They're the ones entrusted with childbirth. They can even do more than one thing at once. So, the secret to a successful marriage has nothing to dow ith sickness, health, poverty or death. It's simply to give in early. That,and to make a vow, preferably during the service, never, ever to go to Ikea.
William Walker's First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story (Harper Perennial£6.99), Matt Rudd's first novel, is published in 2009
posted by may @ 12:30 PM
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