cheer up

"It is completely pointless to be negative.
Darkness comes for free.
You don't have to work at it."
- Uma Thurman


I cannot believe how right the chord struck.
It is correct.
This must be why people say things like..."slip into depression" or slumped in one..
Cos really, u don't need to put in an ounce of effort to be unhappy.
U jus conveniently and most easily slump into it.

To be happy, on the other hand,
Requires much effort. For me at least.
It requires a change of state of mind and a lot of prep or external factors.
I need to feel good, look good and have good things to look forward to...all a lot of bull that sometimes just does not happen at all. Less likely all 3 at the same time.

Look at the things we do to make ourselves happier, feel better.
We spend excessive amounts of $$$, we exercise to get that endorphin-high,
We put up with social pressure etc to be at the right place or with the right folks.
We attach so much meaning and significance to things that make us happy for fear of losing it.
We hang on to things and people and places and memories.
It's a crazy circus of manufactured joy.

Yes, this is a sad weekend for me.
Happiness is an option.
Which i find hard to choose right now.

seriously speaking

Haha, realise my blog is quite frivolous.
Lets be more serious tis boring boring afternoon.

There's just abt 1.5mths more to 2005.
What should I do with this precious time?
Hmm...pay day is in 4 days'time. Good timing!
And i have 5 days off from 17-21. Tis getting better!

17th - Grooming day. Cos i quite look like the shaggy puppydog next door under broad daylight these days. Its wat happens after 2 months on night shifts. U dun recognise urself in the day.
Will get my hair and brows and facial done. Splendid. Altho there's still a risk 'these won't change a thing.


18th - SHopping!!! Ooh, I think Zara, Mango, Topshop, Tangs, Isetan, ESPRIT, FCUK and all my boutique-frens in Orchard miss me loads. Hv been outta action for 2wks! Revenge is mine.

19th - Saturday! Not that it matters to me. Hmm... see if anyone is free to have cuppa with moi.
And see if Zouk is an option at night. Its been completely overhauled, prices too...

20th - Sunday! Terence is off finally, so we'll catch the splendid (I hope!) movie, All Abt Love, which comes highly recommended by Mel. Last day of screening....i must i must catch it.

21st - How fast. Last off day. Of course I need to go shopping. Heh.


Sometimes, I wonder if i hate my job.
Do i hate it or just dread it or just am sick of it?
Its important, then i'll know whether to change.
The money's not fantastic, the hours are crap and deadly and jus damn shit,.
When its night shift, i get suicidal every other day. Not even joking.
The stress and pressure and challenges are nerve-wrecking and damaging.
Its very desk-bound. My 8-hr shifts are non-stop. I feel like a machine. We don't even get a break. Its too much bordering on abuse.

And tis may sound like a small thing - but i feel that i dun get to exercise much control and independence in this job. We're all like kids watched over by the ang mohs. Cos its Reuters and they are so afraid of us making mistakes broadcast to the whole world.
Our work - every aspect- of it, is scrutinised, inspected and worst of all, instructed.
I miss the free creative control, independence and the decision-making when i was doing the whole magazine in my old workplc. I used to call the shots for every single page in there. Now, every word i type is l0oked over. Its just hard to breathe.
U feel like u are learning, but at too slow a pace.
Every picture processed, every lil step is either specifically instructed or watched over.
Constantly looking over ur shoulder and breathing down ur neck.

But.
The people are quite nice. Intelligent, minimum politicking, cosmopolitan, gracious.
Some colleagues are pals i can hang out with. A handful, not all.
Most of the bosses are normal-functioning adults, except that idiot American mike. Bloody pig.
The management is top grade. Welfare, allowances, further learning etc are all excellent.
Location of my office is good. No ERP, no traffic jams, near enough, free secure spacious parking - more important a factor than it seems.
I've gotten used to being off on weekdays, when shopping malls are for tai-tais and sick peeps like me. Would I get used to a 9-5 job again, when i crash traffic jams twice a day and throng the malls with 2million people down orchard road on wkends?

And of course, it's still Reuters.
There's no hiding that.

I always thought i'll quit when a year is up.
The year is coming up.
As of January, it would be a full 12 mths.
Should I stay, or should i go?
Maybe í'm just someone that is hard to stagnate.

I really don't know.
I just tell myself to wait and see....
And let God lead me in the right direction.
I always think... I'll stay till i know for sure i wanna go.
I guess I haven't reached that certainty yet.

hitchhiker

This weekend i found a new meaning to the word hitch-hiker.
On Saturday, I went to a long-awaited, eagerly-anticipated gathering with my track pals.
Frens from when we were gawky 13-year-old runners to today.
And for once in a really long while....all of us were present.
Some with spouses too!

OK, the five of us are...
Shanmei - Hitched. 5 mths preggers.
Melissa - Hitched. Bought new flat at Woodlands. Chinese banquet next Dec. Fiance in tow.
Qiuli - Bought new flat with boyfren of 5 yrs at Duxton. Waiting for proposal.
Jasmine - Just returned from work stint in London. Reunited with bf of 4yrs.
Moi - Came alone and shocked tat conversation topic was almost all abt getting hitched.

And so i was officially the hitchhiker....listening and absorbing all things to do with marriage, houses, boyfrens/fiances/husbands, rings, proposals, hotels and banquets.
It was the strangest thing.
Last I remember, we were all young and carefree and had strong identities of our own.
Shanmei was an avid lover of the world, globetrotting to half a dozen places in any year.
Mel was smart, vivacious and the most popular girl in SMU, or so I think.
Qiuli was the party babe, my anytime-Zouk pal, and a top touch rugby player at tat.
Jas was the marathoner, the one who din turn her back on running and easily the smartest and most straightforth, hardworking, un-vain gal.
Me, then as now, is the one who shops the most, laughs the most and cannot settle down with any one guy as long as i smell a cute one in the air. Or so they tink.

Now, Shanmei is the wife of Qiquan and mother to her son. Period. Topics with her revolve ard buying things for her new home, maternity clothes and hospital checks. I dun mind though.
Qiuli has become the stay-home other half of Eric... docile and 'obedient' to her man.
Mel is still her, except with a new status and new home.
Jasmine...the biggest change of all...she is now 300% devoted to her bf, domesticated, docile and altogether hardly recognisable when she's with him.
Sigh...I wonder how i've changed.
But as we were taking these all in and laughing ard, they all say i didn't change at all.
I can only hope that's a good thing.

What a looong loong way we've come in these 11 yrs of frenship.
The frenship is still evident and strong and lovely.
But everyone's lives have changed so dramatically i needed a wkend to take it all in.
No matter how we evade it,
We really are at that sickening age, aren't we?
That decade and prime of our lives where things happen so fast.
The graduation, the job, the car, the boyfren-husband, the wedding, the flat....
Gosh, i really dun wanna put kids in there.

There's just no avoiding it.
But i'm very happy for all my girlfrens.
To see all of them sooooo in love, so settled and with so many wonderful beautiful things to look forward to in their rich fortunate lovely lives.
God has richly blessed all of us.
With good health, good families, good intellect, good head on shoulder and good romances.
I'm immensely proud and happy for the grp of us.
Everyone is just soo...blissful. Sweet.
Life is indeed beautiful.
Praise the Lord.

Pretty Fly for a Blythe

My fave Blythe dolls...
Aren't they so very very pretty?

Work is not good.
I find myself looking at classified ads.