In the end, it is me who finds it hardest to accept.
But i will.

Anyway.

I will be turning 29 in a month or so.
I think it's pointless to rant abt ageing, because IT WILL HAPPEN ANYWAY!
But i wish myself well this 29th year.
I just wish for peace of mind, love and health.

Life will be decidedly different, i think.
And my priorities will be family, work and myself.

As we get older, birthdays get quieter.
No more parties or 20 people showing up at your door to blow out your candles.
This year, i may not even have anyone special to spend it with.
Just my son and me, probably.
Or my family, if it does.

Sometimes, i think, isn't it wonderful that I have Marco with me?
A good strong reason to go on doing the things i do?

But motherhood alone feels a lot lonelier.
There's no one to share my load, or to share his funny stories with.
Worst, i can't beat the guilt that he doesn't have a dad he can lean on for life's various episodes.
For all i can give and do for him, i can never be his father.


When i was young, i looked up to my dad so much.
Saw him as such an honourable, great, capable man.
I remember writing an entire essay about him, which impressed my teacher so much.
I can't imagine not having that role model in life.
But we shall cope, as with all things unavoidable.

Do i think about myself?
How i will cope?
Sure i do, but it strikes me as pointless.
Obviously, my son comes before many other things.
Just trying to be composed, sane and stable everyday, for him and everyone around me, is tough enough and a huge daily struggle.
That i don't break down everyday..... is already one of God's miracles.
At the most random moments, tears well up in my eyes.
If i stop to even think abt life ahead, i scare myself shitless.
I feel like i'm right smack in the middle of a black abyss, which, if i even for one moment lose my focus or footing, threatens to swallow me whole.
How scary is that?

Yet I can't do anything, and have NO IDEA what the road ahead is lined with.
When i look back, regrets haunt me, so i don't do that often.
Sometimes, i don't even recognise the me from before - that's how much we've come along.

I've avoided telling anyone abt it, mostly cos i haven't reached the point where i can talk about it.
Chat about it, air my grievances etc.... i'm a long way off.
Now, it's mostly silent tears, deep sadness, like grieving for something dead yet not ready to let go. I have no idea how you articulate something like this.

I have to come to terms with it myself before i can face the world.
Most of all, i have to beat the guilt and sadness whenever i see my son.
And bear the heartbreaking truth that one day, i owe him a huge apology.
He will never have a complete joyous family, the kind that he so so deserves.
The kind that every wonderful boy like him deserves.

But on the other hand, he will also be spared the fights, the arguments, the violence and his mum may be happier.
And can one day tell him that she simply did what she had to do.
That she had the guts to do it - to walk away - instead of living in denial, or worse, retaliating.
That she could do it cos she believed in God and his grace.

April 2010

Ta-da! I'm still here, still alive.
In fact, still blogging.

The only difference is.... i no longer blog here.
It's all due to work circumstances.
I don't want to blog at work... yet, ironically, work is technically the only time when i can blog.
But as i don't want to open my blog browser at work using my office PC (MNC - everything is or can be tapped/trapped!), i write stuff into my personal email account instead, but as saved drafts.

That explains my long absence.
Not surprised if no one is reading this anymore...
In fact, that gives me even more freedom to write as i please.



It has been a long while.
And feels just like it sounds - long.

Here's the state of affairs in my kingdom:

1. i'm planning a SOLO trip to melbourne next month.
No one knows this, but i've been thinking abt this trip for... about a year. or 2 years, i dunno, it's been so long. There are plenty reasons why i've always stopped myself from going. But this time, i'm determined to treat it like a long-overdue birthday gift for myself.
Obvious reasons are - i don't wanna leave marco behind. I don't wanna waste the money on a solo trip when i can go as a family to somewhere else. it just seemed too selfish. i was kinda scared to go by myself, or intimidated by the thought. i'm not v good at travelling solo, in fact, have not done it for leisure before, if you excuse my canberra sojourn for the internship. and the biggest reason is - i don't know if i should meet someone there. or what i will say when or if i do meet that person. but now, i don't really care. i'm almost 30. there isn't a lot of time to waste in thinking about stuff. i need to just freaking get it done. it will be a major task accomplished off my life's to-do list. i think i've wanted to go since 2006.


2. after saving for so long, i've suddenly unleashed my old spending habits - at full force. when it rains, it pours. ashamed of myself for caving in to extravagant meals, silly purchases, feel-good buys that deteriorates into guilt later..... you know, simply the old bankrupt me.


3. marco is now a full-fledged toddler. inquisitive, strong-willed, obstinate like a bull, super energetic 24/7 , observant and sensitive, chatty and every bit as lovable. i'm just amazed - he is 2.5 years old now. another couple months and he's gonna be 3! can u imagine? 3??? really? my boy is 3?????? that makes me.... 29! tragic!


4. work is back to my comfy old 7-3 shift. but not for long.... lots changes ahead. we'll see.


5. i am on a mission to lose weight. for my melbourne (Crazy) shopping spree!!!!!!!

6. eyeing a Mulberry Bayswater.... and keeping a keen eye on the weakening pound!